| No such thing as unwinnable |
[Mar. 6th, 2011|12:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
It doesn't stop. Even now, approaching a year of bettering myself, I still make more discoveries. Now, these are just opinions, but they're opinions I feel comfortable defending.
A lot of what I had to discover was, as corny as it sounds, friendship. I used to treat it as this fragile item, then it was something that I had to constantly 'upkeep' almost with the idea that if I did not perform maintenance, it would disappear. Looking back, I find the ignorance in that. I mean, yes, it is very important to talk with your friends and to show genuine care and concern for them. I'm talking when it feels like you need to or else you'll lose them on a semi-regular basis, especially if you don't feel reciprocating feelings. If you actually care about someone, that's a majority of the effort you need to put in on your own and to be able to express your feelings or thoughts when they come to you, even if the response is something like "I don't want to talk to you about this" or "I find [such and such] about you annoying and I don't want to deal with it right now" ... something to that affect. Even if those statements SOUND mean, they are the opposite. Someone who doesn't not truly care may act like they are listening or just roll their eyes and pay no attention. Talking with someone in an honest manner and being direct I find to be both a sign of that friendship as well as a show of respect for the other person.
Now, along those lines comes judging someone. We all do. Hell, if you asked me my thoughts on Aqualung, I'd probably ramble on for about 10-15 minutes with most of the words leaving my mouth to be 4-lettered in nature. However, there is fair and unfair judging ... and the worst part is sometimes people live in the fear of that judgment from another person(s). The shows a lack of trust in the other person and/or the fact the other person DOES judge and someone in my old position would cower before that fear not wanting to lose the friendship. This is why I write today.
Let me give you a scenario I once felt a sympathy for but have now found to be, well, bullshit. I will also state that while, yes, there were a few persons in middle while I thought about this, this is not about any one specific person or a specific event. Person A and Person B do not get along. Person C has been friends with both. Sort of an unwinnable situation in Person C's mind. That's the problem. If that person wants to be friends with both, there are very few reasons for either person to contest this. Unless there was a traumatic experience between C and one of the persons, they should feel able to talk and hang out with whomever they want. So why do they feel guilty? If Person A or B stops being friends with C BECAUSE they want to keep both friendships, that's A or B's problem. They have some sort of insecurity about their friendship with C or simply never really cared about C. Maybe they kept them around because they were friends with other people? Maybe they got some benefit out of it? Maybe they felt a weird obligation to do so? Whatever they case, it is not C's problem and they should not feel burdened. If they continue to buckle to this sort of false pressure, they will only harm themselves and allow themselves to be controlled. "I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place" ... No you're not! The difficult part is coming to terms with who you feel that stress and pressure from and either just be friends with both or confronting them about it.
I needed to just get that off my chest. If I really think about it, there is one friend who I know currently is and almost always has dealt with this sort of false pressure. I could tell them til I was blue to just do and talk to who you want, but they are a follower and have always buckled to the pressure. It saddens me because I want to help, I can see them flourishing if they just got up and began to walk. To do what they needed to and, in a weird way, do what I did. Do what is best for you and be friends with those that want to be. |
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| 2010: Quite a year |
[Dec. 24th, 2010|12:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
Quite a year. Started off with changes and uncertainty carrying over from the previous year. The store was currently on the path to being sold, but things felt off otherwise. I felt people drifting away from me and this was soon confirmed by a revelation from an unlikely source. A number 5475 was being circulated for the past few months in relation to something and it was being used as a venting method, complaints on AIM, Facebook and Twitter. Come to find out that this was a group of colleagues complaining and throwing accusations about me to my face without my knowing nor without me knowing about it. I was rather devastated. A good number of people confronted me about it when I found out and most were honestly remorseful. A few felt pressured into talking and apologizing. That's how the year began was me crying the hardest I ever have in my life.
Later on, the store finally shut down and, through a lot of long hours, everything was packed up and I had free time to myself for the first time in a long time. Problem was I had no real money to use. No money had changed hands as of yet and the only real thing for me to do was watch TV and play video games. This got old fast. Thankfully, Kyle helped bring me out of this slump and I started to collect myself.
Over the next month, a lot of hard work and effort was put into restoring the store. Much of that credit really goes towards Chris, Dave, John Johnny John John Johnson and Bryan. There was plenty that did help, but they put in the most hours for zero pay and merely the fact they'd get their store again.
Though it took a while, the store reopened and the place looked amazing. While I initially felt re-energized, the energy faded after a few weeks. Stock was constantly minimal at best, giant TVs sat in the back rooms going to waste, and many things took much longer to happen or didn't happen at all. Though the store looked better, it quickly started doing worse. On top of that, a new competitor opened up with a fresh look and the resources to build upon.
Drama grew. Tension rose. There was almost always something being whispered around the store about this person or that person. Be it targeted at myself, Dave, Walter, Rachel or Chris; there was constantly something moving about. At the end of approx. the first month of business, both me and Rachel were told that after one month we'd be volunteers. Still not being paid for the store and being far less then even a year into it being told we weren't going to be paid anymore, this was finally the trigger I needed to use my degree and start moving to better myself. I was a wreck mentally and emotionally off and on for a while which was evident in the amount of abuse I would consistently take yet roll over, smile and act like it didn't bother me.
Even before I started hunting for other jobs, I again felt people moving away from me. People I was once very communicative and close with felt like they'd go out of their way to avoid contact with me. Few people would bother holding a conversation with me, even those I felt were above the drama or would consider themselves "neutral".
Thankfully, once of the few people who continued to stick by me was Sean. After talking with him on a Saturday, he suggested I apply to work where he did at KidsPeace. It would use my diploma, he'd put in a good word, and I'd be making a decent paycheck. However, when I finally did get accepted, it was late May and training wouldn't start until July 5th. So, I decided to continue volunteering Saturdays and off hours at the store. As I wasn't being paid, I fell back on Savings bonds and selling a majority of my card collection via Ebay to pay for food and my remaining rent bills. Another good friend Sarah offered me an apt in her home and that I could move in June 1st. She knew my situation and was more then hospitable in helping me move in and being a little lenient with rent.
When I started my training, I told myself that I needed to truly start fresh. A month of calm in Sarah's house had force me to really think and make some hard decisions. I decided to cut off those people associated with the store. The high school drama, consistent gossip, backstabbing and general bullshit floating around that environment I knew I was above. I didn't need it now, I had to focus on myself and my new career. I would not contact them for a long while. If I was important enough to them, they would contact me. I did not block anyone or avoid any conversations. I, however, was not going to initiate any.
I was equally surprised both by who did contact me and who didn't contact me. While people like Stovetop, Sean, Andrew and Tim got in touch with me within days, I also started hearing from people I hadn't talked to or heard from in months or years such as Ms. Krispy. It take a few people some time to come and talk to me such as Chris, but for that I share nothing but respect for the guy in confronting me with his issues with me and talking it out in a direct, face-to-face manner. That does take balls and it showed that he did give a damn. There were plenty of other people who just chilled back and didn't really change anything about anything even knowing the situation, but that works out just as fine as well.
As for the new career, I love my job. Given, I was originally quite nervous during the physical training as it sunk in what some of these students were capable of, but after a few weeks on the job, that soon started to fade. It was with the help and support of all the people working in that white building that I was able to get the time, experience and confidence to do my job. I started having fun again, being able to use my paycheck without counting every coin when I buy a drink or meal, I felt more at ease with myself and over time, a lot of confident. I began looking back at myself and my past action as well as what I used to put up with and I shook my head. I wish I knew now what I knew then. That I deserve better, to be treated better and to not cling to everyone who has the good manners to simply say hello. I've always deserved this but allowed those around me to beat down my confidence to a point where I felt otherwise.
I suppose if I going to discuss this topic, I should address the elephant in the room. I'll put this out there first. I do not dislike or wish anything bad on Rachel. I never have and I never will. She has natural talent in the arts and, I'm sure when that is properly focused and she finds the best medium to express her talents, she'll become incredibly successful. I've known Rachel for years and spent many hours hanging out with her, talking with her, and hell, I invited her into co-owning a store with me. I've considered her for years one of my best and closest friends. However, things were beginning to sound rocky and the first real concrete sign of that was with the #5475. As time went on with the store, she'd talk to me less both in person and online, and conversations in person began feeling forced. Rumors began flying, drama circled and then I took a step back. I talked it over with one really close, amazing person over the course of 2 nights. Every time there was an issue or problem, not only did I initiate the conversation, but I always seemed to apologize to some degree no matter what the situation was. I needed to feel this was a friendship and not just another person who was just putting up with me.
When my training started, I told myself not to make any contact with Rachel and make her come to me and show me she cared and that I mattered to her. To date, she has made no effort to reach out to me and all I've heard are rumor through different people. I do try to avoid many of these rumors as I did not wish for them to mar my outlook or my mentality when and if she'd confront me. Especially during the first month, this really did hit hard. There's a long history there and it isn't something I'd like to think could be easily dismissed or ignored, yet the fact that it was hit hard. I consulted with some close people and they helped me realize that I needed to focus on myself and those people that felt I was important enough to being around and show me the amount of respect I've always deserved.
So, what would I label this year if I had to? All in all, would it be good, bad, meh, banana, vanilla-flavoring, Red 40? If I gave it a label, I'd say this was a 'phoenix' year for me. I had to sort of get beaten down and 'die' before I could begin to rebuild myself into a better, self-sufficient, more well-rounded individual who knew what he wanted and what he deserved. That I didn't have to compromise my happiness in order to keep all those around me happy. I love where I am as a person now. I have a job I love, a feel closer to my family, and I've grown into someone I can look at and feel proud to be. |
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| Real quick |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|10:18 pm] |
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I have to say this. As a teacher and Mainer, I'm insulted by the "Yes on 1" ads I've been seeing on TV. Both because it is avoiding the issue by creating a false one and the fact they push that teachers will 'turn gay' and start being harmful to children. It makes me sick and, no matter my previous stance, I will be voting No on 1 and I wish for everyone else in the state to do the same. |
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| This summer and its effects |
[Sep. 4th, 2009|02:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
So a lot happened over the summer and it has had a large, overall effect on me. Let's just list them out.
- Starts off great with Anime Boston 2009. First real vacation in over a year.
- Successful Alara Reborn Pre-Release.
- Store broken into. Onslaught block and many other older binders stole. XBOX 360 and Wii stolen.
- Later that same week, drive down to PortCon2009. Vend.
- We come better prepared for PortCon, but people bring less money. Evens out to the same as last year (Not a bad thing).
- Rave outside in a tent ... very cramped/uncomfortable. Left soon after.
- Vendoring during both SF4 and SSBB tournies. Show up later and wipe the floor with SF4 players kicking around.
- Rachel catches pnemonia. Out of commission for a couple weeks. I work straight without break.
- Konami takes control of YGO. Runs tournaments. Tournament program is the worst I've ever used/seen.
- TV dies/explodes. Get new one for free! :-D
- Got arcade consoles into the store.
- Industrial fan dies ... by the motor catching fire and the fan become a swirling vortex of fire for 2-3 seconds. Best. Death. EVER!
- Game Fuel comes back. I become a happy panda.
- Lots of Street Fighter 4.
- Audio systems dies. Replaced. Projector dies. Replaced.
- Finally watched Gurren Lagann. SO glad I did.
- AWESOME lightning storm!
- Lots of dates. Lots of fails.
- Rachel has oral surgery. Out of commission for a week.
- M10 is a huge success ... so Wizards naturally short prints it on me!
At the end of the month, I find all the current goings on at the store, future prospects and sheer amount of pure time and effort I've been putting in have caused me to suffer from some anxiety the past few weeks. |
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| PortCon 2009 - Who's going? |
[Jun. 15th, 2009|12:02 pm] |
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I'm bringing the store down with me again this year. Who's going to be attending? |
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| Next week |
[Jun. 13th, 2009|10:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
PortConMaine. We'll be opening shop in the dealer's room again (and this time, I'll actually have the anime stock that I ordered. I will also be bringing the TV again (was thinking about the projector, but didn't know where we'd be placed) and playing AMVs at our booth again. If you have any suggestions for AMVs or for product (For example: If you're going to be playing in any Magic tournaments this weekend and know you'll want booster), let me know. Otherwise, if you want to meet up, I'll be the El Fuerte cosplayer working in the Dealer's Room.
Oh, and we have Arcade Cabinets at the store now. (Currently: SoulCalibur, Area 51, Rolling Thunder & Ms. PacMan) |
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| Anime Boston this year... |
[Feb. 15th, 2009|12:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
...might not happen for me. Last year, there was a mess with the registration lines. As a result, a good number of players could not make it to both of my Yu-Gi-Oh events on friday. Many came up later that day asking for additional tournaments on Saturday. I agreed, however, I had only brought prize support for my original tournaments. When the final tournament came around, I had very little prize support left. I ran next door to the dealer's room to buy more, though they were not Yu-Gi-Oh related. That same tournament I had to leave during the final match because I had already volunteered the help seat for the concert (The Pillows) that day. On top of the fact there was a lot of miscommunication between me and my contact there which made me have to change my game plan and figure out how I wanted to proceed.
Fast forward to last week. I got an e-mail back from my contact about Live Gaming this year. It seems he had issues with me that he didn't feel like talking to me about on top of the fact that he took one loud con-goer's forum bitching as fact and apparently my explanation about the above facts was just more of my bullshit. I was actually enraged by his e-mail as it made me out to being some greedy, penny-pinching judge who was only in it for the money and didn't give a damn about my players. Anyone who's been in anything I run know that not to be the case, the closest is that I'm very careful with my prize support seeing as we're a small store, so I can't do things like give out booster boxes every week.
What does this mean? Well, the past few years, I was able to go to AB because of the free room and board that came with volunteering and working at the convention. This year, I'm not sure if I can go. The store is starting to make a comeback and things are settling out, but everyone that I know who's going has full rooms and a full convoy of people. So, I'm stuck. I'm pissed. I don't know what to do. |
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| Christmas Time |
[Dec. 9th, 2008|03:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
I've had people asking what I want for Christmas/Birthday (They're never seperate, they're gifted together) and it feels strange asking for anything. Things are still tight at the store. People have moved for school or military, others are tight for cash themselves while other people just, for whatever reason, I just don't see them anymore. Wesley, Josh, Marcus, Joshman, Duguay ... I don't see these guys much if at all anymore, plus now I have issues with Games Workshop as their 'policy' states that Warzone shouldn't have been approved to move into the area. 2 Games Workshop store are not allowed to be within 5 miles of one another unless the area can support it ... Bangor cannot support it. Basically, GW gave me the finger. I've tried working with Warzone, but the only suggestion to work together he's given me, that hasn't been disproven by customers telling me what he's said about me while not that, is that I should simply sell him all my GW stuff.
*sigh* But I digress, I'm picking up a second tutoring job as some know, so money shouldn't be too bad by next month. As for Christmas, firstly the only thing I could ask would be to do your christmas shopping at my store if possible, spread word about the store, tell people about the projector room, etc. If everyone grabs one person and drags them to the store, those are customers and I like customers. As far as those of you stubborn enough to then say you're still getting me something (and I know a few) I suppose I could think of a few things.
Speaker system (for my laptop at home)
Animal Crossing (Wii)
Comfortable table chair
Help with a cosplay costume
XBox 360 (I can dream)
Flatscreen TV (Again...)
Professor Layton (DS)
There are some decent ideas. |
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| Goodbye Cartoon Network |
[Sep. 21st, 2008|12:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
It seems as if Cartoon Network is no longer interested in finding, buying or showing innovative and exciting cartoons; or at the very least keeping their long-time fans and supporters around. In the span of one week, they have completely alienated me as a viewer. I'll give them some credit where it is due, Total Drama Island is their newest show that is worth showing ... alright, that's all I had on that note.
Last week, a lot of us saturday viewers were taken back by the total lack of "Saturday" programs. Bleach followed by FMA was all. After that it was the same ol' tired playlist of Sunday shows they show during the weekdays. Shin-chan got the boot, Code Geass and all their other anime have been discontinued and will no longer be shown. That's it. After creating new fans of anime and in general gathering a decent playlist of new and exciting shows, they've now thrown up their hands and said that's it. Apparently there were complaints about Shinchan and Code Geass (and while I'm sure just as many about Metalocalypse, Tim and Eric, etc) it was enough for them to get the boot. So, there goes my late night viewing, but what about their other anime programming, Toonami? Well, they announced THIS MORNING that they were going to end Toonami's 11-years on the air TONIGHT. Indeed, an announcement was made by the character "Tom" of this at the end. That was it, just a stab in the back and a kick to the curb. Nothing elegant or even resembling respect for Toonami or its fanbase.
I don't know if someone new is in charge or what, but it's just a complete spit in the face of everyone who watch those programs over the past 11 years. Hell, at one point they imported Toonami into a special block on the KidsWB! weekend line-up. This is really upsetting and I just feel Cartoon Network will become some weird "Toon WB!" (a la Toon Disney) rip-off.
Thoughts? Comments? Further details? |
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| To some time |
[Aug. 17th, 2008|05:17 pm] |
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A week after Otakon, I find I'm really ... well ... sorta pissed off that I couldn't go, as in it's doing the exact opposite of what going to Otakon does. Re-charges my batteries, gets me psyched and puts me in a really good mood. |
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